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Q. My girlfriend and I have been together for just over a year. For the most part, we get along famously, have a lot in common, and enjoy spending time together. Every so often, she’ll either just vanish before I know she’s gone, or she will say she’s running to the store real quick down the street and will be right back (or something to that effect). Then she just doesn’t come back, staying gone for anywhere from overnight to two to three days. She even does this when everything else between us is fine. Whenever she’s gone, she ignores my calls and text messages.
I try to make a conscious effort to make sure I’m not being too jealous for no reason, as well as making sure I’m not being “possessive” or “controlling,” but I can’t deny that this starts to mess with me. She refuses to give me any explanation at all, and when I do ask her questions about where she’s been or who she’s been with, she refuses to tell me anything.
Then when I try to talk about it with her, she has a panic attack, and is “going to have a heart attack, and a stroke” — all because I’m being selfish and asking her to talk about it with me. All she says is that she doesn’t cheat. She thinks that’s “disgusting.” She honestly doesn’t seem to be the kind of person that would cheat (other than her actions). Although she is well aware of how much the whole thing bothers me — worse each time it happens — and that I’m not OK with this at all, she continues to do it. I’m sure you probably think I’m a total idiot, and it’s obvious what’s going on, but I want to make sure that my perception of the situation isn’t off, and that I’m not being out of line.
CHEATING?
A. Listen, every time I read this letter I come up with a new possibility to explain where she goes. The first time I read it, I wondered if this might be related to substance abuse. Then I thought about anxiety and a need for alone time — and why she might be afraid to ask for it. I didn’t jump to cheating, although I guess that’s on the list. Really, it could be anything.
Based on what you’ve told us — and yes, we’re only getting your side — it doesn’t sound like you’re being controlling or possessive. I mean, maybe you are, but from what you’ve written here, it sounds like you’d be fine with her saying, “Hey, I’m going to be super busy with friends and work over the next week. See you when I have more time.” At least you’d have a general sense of what she’s doing in the world.
She doesn’t owe you a rundown of every minute of her day, but she should respect your time. She goes to the store and then doesn’t check in for days? She leaves without saying goodbye? That’s rude, right? If the two of you have plans, she should honor them.
Also, her reaction to your concern is ... big. It makes it impossible for you to ever be upset about anything.
Let’s say she isn’t cheating. Fine. She’s still not giving you what you want from a partner. You don’t feel secure in the relationship, and it doesn’t sound like the two of you have learned to communicate about conflict. I know you said a bunch of nice things in that first sentence, but are those happy moments enough? Please consider whether this person is really someone you can trust and be happy with over time.
MEREDITH
READERS RESPOND:
Cheating or not, she is treating you like a doormat. Stop letting her do that.
SOMEWHEREINMA
The worst part is that she gets mad at you for having legitimate concerns, and employs unfair attacks against you. Leave this hot mess. Want more for yourself.
NANOSECO
We all know this behavior is untenable in a healthy and respectful relationship. Whether she’s cheating, drinking, building a spaceship, has a secret daughter, or is a mercenary fighting in Ukraine, she is not a woman your mother would invite to the Seder table.
VALENTINO---
Send your own relationship and dating questions to loveletters@globe.com. Catch new episodes of Meredith Goldstein’s “Love Letters” podcast at loveletters.show or wherever you listen to podcasts. Column and comments are edited and reprinted from boston.com/loveletters.
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