The lights go out and she’s tucked under blankets. But what looms beyond her cotton comfort is a world of shadows, mysterious creatures behind her curtains, or stuffed animals that come to life at night. All daytime rules and sunlit visibility are now gone and her imagination creates its own vision. There are so many possibilities, so many shadows, creatures in the closet and monsters lurking under the bed.
Lately, the fears have been growing and changing. I guess the fears change and morph with her increasing knowledge of the world — some things are easily explained and some are not. The “not” part is where reality fades and imagination improvises, and, in a 6-year-old mind, the imagination runs wild.
There are so many fears she has in this big giant world. Fear of a caterpillar on the loose in her room. We once caught a caterpillar and put it in a jar, only to find out that hours later it had escaped. Sleep was hard to come by that night not knowing where the child-eating caterpillar lurked.
In the summer, when we make our pilgrimage to the pool, a usually safe and happy waterworld, all of a sudden there is now the fear that sharks are in the deep end. Although we’ve explored all the pool filters and discussed how a shark could not possibly fit through the pipes, or the fact that sharks need saltwater and a bigger container, like, say, an ocean, to survive, she still is wary of the 8-foot depths.
She is also now afraid of older kids. I’m not sure exactly why — maybe it’s their size, their slinky movements and loud voices. Maybe she fears their judgment of her? Whatever it is, it causes her to hide behind my legs as she stealthily peers out to sneak a glance.
There are different kinds of fears — fears that are primal and fears that are taught and learned. She’s learning to navigate the two. Certain fears are meant to help us survive — her fear of sharks is pretty primal. Who isn’t afraid of sharks? And some fears are learned and we are meant to overcome them, like public speaking, or for her, being confident in front of older kids. And that touches on a greater fear — the fear of not believing in yourself, something we all struggle with at times.
Her kid fears train her for her more-adult fears. What is a now a fear of sharks in the deep end will, with age, turn into more adult fears — the fear of not having enough money, the fear of failing at relationships, the fear of not finding a job or not having one that brings contentment. Adult fears are way more complex, more boring in comparison with runaway caterpillars or sharks that materialize in swimming pools.
My biggest fear is the fear of change. I fear the changes that will inevitably occur in her, when she is one day on her own. The fear of letting go. Am I laying the groundwork to make her have a happy life, one that is not full of fear?
And yet, if we can embrace fear and try to understand it and use it to make changes, to make us stronger, it can be such a good thing. Fear is a motivator; it can hold us back or push us to overcome.
Nellie risked swimming in the deep end. She was not eaten by a shark, so she experienced the joy of overcoming. So much joy can come from so much fear. Fear reminds us to appreciate what we have, what really is, and the joy in between our fears.
Nellie is my joy, the “what really is,” and I’m not afraid of that.
Allison Kegley is a San Rafael resident. IJ readers are invited to share their stories of love, dating, parenting, marriage, friendship and other experiences for our How It Is column, which runs Tuesdays in the Lifestyles section. All stories must not have been published in part or in its entirety previously. Send your stories of no more than 500 words to lifestyles@marinij.com. Please write How It Is in the subject line. The IJ reserves the right to edit them for publication. Please include your full name, address and a daytime phone number.
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